a small history of my trans feelings
Recently, I read Elisa's blog post accepting that she is a trans woman.
It brought me back to when I started questioning my own identity and my own anxieties around then. Back then, being trans felt so mysterious. Above all, I craved to read about people's anxieties and evolving thoughts about their gender.
In reading Elisa's post, I realized that I have been somewhat dancing around the topic in this blog. Sure, I've written about my coming out, my struggle with bathrooms, and a few other specific things. However, I generally avoided talking about my anxiety about the transition itself.
Complex emotions are unstable and evolving, so it is hard to remember them accurately. In order to understand my emotional trajectory, I looked back through my journals. Below, I'll quote from them and add commentary to provide a summary of my journey. I've rephrased a few to make them readable and provide more anonymity.
Sections:
1 - Am I ... trans?
2 - Thinking more critically about gender and trans issues
3 - Becoming more self-conscious after debating with my mom
4 - Coming out everywhere
5 - Growing independent
6 - Acceptance
1 - Am I ... trans?
June 18, 2022: Around this week, I really realized that I was trans. Whereas I had some inkling before, this is the first time I actually put it into writing. You can tell here that I'm not really sure about being trans still, but felt really good about being a girl:
I guess I got pretty deep into trans stuff this week. It feels good to be a girl, although I wonder how temporary this feeling is.
At this point, I also felt the need to justify my desire in being another gender. Still, I kept going because I starting having a series of flashbacks to my past and all my "weird" traits suddenly made sense:
To clarify, I don't dislike guys, I just somehow have a weird feeling about myself as a guy. I also think there are less differences between the genders as people think, but nevertheless I found that I really do enjoy being perceived as female. In any case, I would really rather at least wear feminine clothes around.
Going on the egg_irl subreddit makes me synthesize information from my past and makes me feel like my experiences make sense. For instance, I used to think it's strange that I have felt complimented when people accidentally mistake me as a woman, but it makes sense if I'm trans.
June 24, 2022: As I explored, I quickly started experiencing some gender euphoria:
I love it when [my partner] refers to me as her Lili or uses she/her pronouns for me. I shaved my whole body over the past week. I feel so much better about my legs!!
2 - Thinking more critically about gender and trans issues
July 10, 2022: I dove into reading Julia Serano's Whipping Girl and other books around the trans experience. Gradually, my world started to shift, my thoughts on gender rearranging and becoming more precise.
One day, my partner's roommates were watching some comedy show in the living room and it made increasingly uncomfortable. I ended up writing a few paragraphs to process my evolving thoughts on gender. Here's a sample of my thoughts at that time:
These days, I have been confronting a lot of ideas about gender. Not wearing makeup does not make you less of a woman, for instance. Neither does spreading your legs on the subway make you more or less of a man. In fact, I've been thinking that the genitals you have don't make you a man or a woman either. As I have been deconstructing gender in my head as I am processing my transgender identity, hearing someone emphasize the differences in gender feels particularly hurtful. I know that this is not something that the comedian specifically addressed, but the series of jokes based on gender differences just made me think of the stereotypical gender roles of men and women and made me really uncomfortable.
September 4, 2022: I started to really internalize that it's okay to be trans:
Being trans is pretty hard, especially the transition side and coming out to all my friends and colleagues. Reading about Lynn Conway has been so inspiring though, I feel like I can have a successful career and be trans, here is one excellent example! I still have some ways to go, but really shifting my mindset towards one of "there is no shame in being trans, there are others like you, you can live like this perfectly well".
There truly is no shame in being trans, just as there is no shame in wearing any kinds of clothes or not wearing clothes at all. After all, as Diana Wynne Jones has said in one of her stories, "there is no shame in the naked human body". Likewise, there is no shame in being black, in being white, in being trans, in being a man, in being a woman, in being interested in science, in working hard or resting. Anyone who shames someone for their identity or their body is wrong themselves. You cannot change who you are and if you're not hurting anyone you should feel absolutely no shame in expressing yourself.
3 - Becoming more self-conscious after debating with my mom
October 13, 2022: I came out to my mom around end of September and it didn't go well. A bit later, I told my mom and siblings that I'm officially changing my name in the group chat. My mom reacted really badly and somehow my sister ended up siding with her. I struggled, but I couldn't see myself going back either:
Ugh, it's hard to focus when [my mom and sister] are piling on stress like this. Perhaps I shouldn't have told them about the name change. But then again, what do they want exactly? Should I just proceed and not tell them anything? I mean, really, I feel like they want me to stop. But I'm sorry, I don't see any point in doing that, the transition has brought me lots of joy and personal fulfillment. It's hard to live otherwise, I know that I'm much more genuine when presenting like this. I had a lot of self-doubt about gender related topics in the past, so now I just feel more comfortable expressing myself and living well.
Later that month, we had a video call to try talk through this. It made me feel terrible, as I felt I was debating who I was. They were treating being trans as a choice and trying to dissuade me from it, but I couldn't accept that.
December 23, 2022: The debates made me a lot more self-conscious about being seen as a woman and about my place in the world more generally. My thoughts sounded like this:
I got told off the men's bathroom a few weeks ago, which means I pass somewhat. I can apply lipstick and mascara easily now! My ears are pierced. I have longer hair and take better care of it than 6 months ago. I've become mostly comfortable wearing women's clothes in public, but still scared of wearing skirts and dresses. My voice is more feminine, but I still get self-conscious about it. I still do get called "sir" sometimes.
I'm sad about losing my connection to my family. I'm scared of coming out more broadly.
I spent most of the holidays deeply depressed, crying extensively every other day. I wish I didn't have to choose between my family and being myself.
4 - Coming out everywhere
I promised myself that I would go into work as Lili from the new year on. Coming out terrified me, but being in the closet caused me massive anxiety. Here are my thoughts throughout this process.
January 14, 2023:
I started really living as Lili everywhere last Friday (Jan 6). How did it go? Coworkers have been quite supportive, even if they tend to stay away from topics related to transition. I haven't gone in with extremely feminine clothing or makeup yet. maybe I can try wearing makeup to lab over next week. I honestly need to get some more normal(ish) girl clothes to go into lab with. Also, I changed my name and gender for my driver's license! I'm happy about that.
February 13, 2023
It has been more than a month now of me going as Lili. The first few weeks were the hardest, as I was very self-conscious about my presentation and needed to do a bunch of logistics to change my name everywhere. For a few weeks, people would stumble and deadname me, which really hurt me more than I expected. Still, now, it has stabilized. Eveyrone calls me Lili and few people even stumble at all. The hardest is sometimes I still get misgendered. I'm sure some people will adjust in time here as well.
Last week, I went to the bathroom as a woman multiple times. I am getting used to it now! This caused me a lot of stress and panic when I went in prior times. Also, people are now generally gendering me as female. It helps when I wear feminine clothing too. I feel more comfortable going to the lesbian bar as well. I know I don't always fully pass but I am getting there!
Feburary 26, 2023:
Since last reflection, I made quite a bit of progress. I'm more comfortable with bathrooms. I still freak out when there's someone already there, but I think it will be fine in time. I don't panic as much as before. Some people stumble on my name a bit still, but on the whole it doesn't hurt me as much because everyone else calls me Lili. It feels much more like my name now. <3
Overall, I started feeling more confident in my presentation and gender identity. As people around me became consistent in calling me Lili, I really started to feel it. I worried less about passing as woman.
I wasn't quite done, of course. My anxieties continued, as I wrote the following on the same day:
Something I struggle with is my distance from my parents. I am not sure how to bridge the gap I have with my mom and dad. My mom is really busy and I don't know how to reach out to her. My dad is in Russia and struggling with war and work. He's also so far away. I cried a lot about this on Monday.
Relatedly, I struggle with the integration of Ukrainian culture and LGBTQIA+ support. How to integrate this? Perhaps it could be helpful to read more literature with queer themes in Ukraine. I think it could help me integrate the different parts of myself into a coherent person.
5 - Growing independent
March 27, 2023: Around January, I stumbled into a trans therapy group. We would gather in a small circle and process our gender together. I wrote a small reflection at the end of the group:
I gained a lot of confidence and pride in being trans. It has given me a lot of perspective on gender as well, on the wonderful rainbow of genderqueerness, especially on perspectives beyond the gender binary.
Since last month, I've grown more and more confident. I wore a dress to work for the first time a few weeks ago! I don't think anyone really noticed or cared. It's fine. That's how it is. I really did it for myself.
I decided to challenge people more. Just being myself in regular spaces can make people uncomfortable. Rather than stop when they're uncomfortable, maybe it's time to just challenge their preconceptions on gender.
Around this time, I also read more about queer people in Ukraine. It gave me a firmer grounding in my culture, despite losing some connection with my parents.
6 - Acceptance
I started this blog around this time, so my thoughts after that are documented here already.
Lately, I feel like I've processed a lot of my feelings. I think a lot less about being trans. I just ... exist, I guess? It helps that I switched jobs and almost everyone in my new job has only known me as Lili. I switched my name halfway through an interview process and they still hired me!
I have started to integrate into the trans community around me. I have trans coworkers and close trans friends. I still have doubts and anxieties, but my life feels much less like a roller coaster now.
I am Lili.