of horses and divorces
Yesterday, my girlfriend and I drove down to California, where we'll spend a few weeks seeing friends and touring the area while we're on vacation. She gets summers off as a school teacher and I took a month off between jobs.
horses
Today, I spent most of the day with my girlfriend's aunt, who is hosting us for a few days. She is definitely a horse girl. She owns a horse, takes care of him everyday, and rides as much as she can. One of the first things she asked me when I met her was "do you like horses?"
She showed us the horse today and we got to feed him little cookies. I haven't been next to a horse in over a decade, so it was fun to be in that space again. There is a heavy feeling of unvoiced mutual respect within the barn that permeates every action. Each horse could easily injure the human caretakers, but they were all calm, happy to receive care and cookies. The caretakers in turn respect the horses as they ride them and show them off. The feeling carried through the whole barn. A rooster got into the horse track and just stood there in between trotting horses, crowing every 5 minutes. Everyone just ignored him.
I think everyone needs a passion to carry through with them through their life. People need something to think about in the moments where they are alone. My girlfriend's aunt found it in her bond with horses. Honestly, her passion is somewhat contagious, so that I am starting to get into horses as well. She told me I can do a pony ride and now I am looking forward to it.
divorce
I asked her what got her into horses. She told us that after her second divorce, she thought about what she truly wanted in life and realized it was horses. She got back into horse riding and it escalated from there.
It made me think of a moment from Detransition, Baby, where one of the characters dissects divorce:
Divorce is a transition story. Of course, not all divorced women go through it. I’m talking about the ones who felt their divorce as a fall, or as a total reframing of their lives. The ones who have seen how the narratives given to them since girlhood have failed them, and who know there is nothing to replace it all. But who still have to move forward without investing in new illusions or turning bitter—all with no plan to guide them.
When I first read this, I only partially understood what this character was talking about. I did experience some reframing of my life with each breakup, but I could not conceptualize what a divorce would entail. I questioned whether divorce is truly a transition.
After today, I can see the connection. When I transitioned, it felt like the whole world shifted around me. For a moment, I could see behind the cracks in the walls of society. The fragility of gendered narratives became clear and I began to question other narratives with it. I wondered what I truly wanted in life, apart from what I was supposed to want.
I felt that same reframing in my girlfriend's aunt's dive into horses, which now occupy so much of her life.
Perhaps we all share the capacity to experience such transitions to land in a place unscripted by our society's code, where we must wander on our own to find what life is really about.