life lessons from hair
Hair is everything. We wish it wasn’t so we could actually think about something else occasionally. But it is. It’s the difference between a good day and a bad day. We’re meant to think that it’s a symbol of power, that it’s a symbol of fertility. Some people are exploited for it and it pays your fucking bills. Hair is everything.
- Fleabag to a hairdresser
I got a haircut at a hair salon today. Just like most other times, I cried when I got home. For the first time though, these were happy tears. Finally, I felt like I had a haircut that felt like me: shortish but still feminine.
I get very emotional about hair. Hair showcases who I am. It is my gender, personality, and culture. It is an extension of my body. It reflects my mood, health, and aspirations. I twirl it incessantly when I'm thinking. Perhaps hair is the most personal part of me that lies in plain sight.
When my therapist asked me to relive one of my traumatic experiences, I chose one of times my mom would drag me to the hairdresser to cut my hair short. Trapped in a chair between societal expectations and my mother's pressures, I would ask the unsuspecting hair dresser to trim my identity as I looked away. When I finally looked in the mirror, the face staring back at me was a stranger. I would come home and cry.
It was hard to explain why I was so upset. People around me would try to reassure me by saying it's a good haircut, that it's so much cleaner than what I had before. That just upset me more. Did they perceive my true self to be someone who gets a haircut like this? It felt wrong.
I was really excited to move out to college, as it meant I could grow out my hair as I wished. For two years, I finally got to grow it out. I was free. I didn't know how to take care of it though, so it was constantly messy.
Then, I met a girl that I kinda liked. She seemed to care about me. We hung out a lot. She would constantly tell me to cut my hair. Gosh, that was a red flag. Do NOT date anyone who tries to control your hair, because hair is everything. I did end up cutting my hair and we ended up dating for 4 years. She tried to control how I present myself more broadly and how I interact with my friends, among other things.
Victims of abuse often end up in a series of abusive partnerships. They don't seek them out. Rather, the abusers often end up twisting the victim's perspective of the world, so that abusive behavior seems normal. A partner controlling my haircut (my outwards identity, my body!) seemed normal to me, as I had experienced a decade of control from my mother. I misattributed her need for control as care for me.
What pains me the most is how easy it was to get a feminine haircut today. I just needed to find an accepting hair salon1 and ask for a women's haircut and I got one. Why did wait a decade to do this?? The barrier was in my mind. For years, I would go to the wrong salon or ask really obliquely for something feminine and then hope for the best. Really, it's best to honest with yourself so you can be clear with others.
So you know, if you want a women's haircut, ask for one! Listen to your heart and ask for what it wants. The world is vast and there are some truly kind people out there who will actually listen to you.
Okay yes, this part could be hard depending on where you live. Still in my case, it was definitely in my mind. I've lived in two rather liberal cities for the past 11 years and each has multiple accepting salons.↩