the beauty of writing anonymously
She was free. She sat in the armchair, she simply sat, she closed her eyes and sat and let herself be alone. She was alone and no one knew where she was. [...] And she leaned on the sill, and looked into the street, loving the men and women who passed, because she did not know them. She looked at the downtrodden buildings over the street, and at the sky, wet and dingy, or sometimes blue, and she felt she had never seen buildings or sky before.
- To Room Nineteen by Doris Lessing
I have hesitated for some time on whether to connect this blog to my public identity.
When I started writing here, I connected to my own domain and put a link to this blog from my main website. I didn't really think about it.
Then, one of my friends said she found my blog and read through all of it. For a moment, my mind reeled. What did I write here? We talked about it and it turned out she was very positive about it! We were able to share a deeper conversation, so I left it on my website to leave myself open for more moments like these.
Still, when I look at the blogs of tiramisu, mei, and exponixio, I feel a yearning for their honesty and vulnerability. They talk openly about loss, grief, guilt, joy, discomfort, and many more emotions.
I am holding back.
In Doris Lessing's story "To Room Nineteen", the main character loses sense of herself as she constantly feels she may be interrupted by requests from her housemaids and children. The requests are benign, but the fact that they can happen at any time brings her constant stress. Finally, she books a hotel room without telling anyone. Alone, in a room where no one knows her and where no one can reach her, she can feel herself.
I feel the same way about my anonymity here. A friend or perhaps even an acquaintance stumbling upon this blog is most welcome. I have even sent my blog to a few friends. However, thinking about potentially anyone who searches my name finding these intimate thoughts stresses me out.
So I've made this blog more private. The previous url still works and redirects here, but the current url is more anonymous. It's likely possible to figure out who I am from everything I write with a bit of sleuthing. That's okay. At least it takes some effort now.
It's funny, someone who reads all of my blog posts may end up knowing me better than some acquaintances but still not know my name. It does make for a fun interaction.
I'm excited about sharing my thoughts more openly now that I'm sharing less of my identity.